I don’t want to forget anything. Even though memories burn, I don’t want to forget a thing.
Not even the hard times or the regrettable times. In fact, especially not those times. Because these were the times that tested our relationship and proved its character. They were the times when we’d lean into and carry each other, whatever the cost.
I don’t want to forget a thing.
I don’t even want to forget the trauma of the night she died. Not that I ever could. That night has branded me, and has taken possession of me in some respects. But even if I could forget, I wouldn’t want to. Because it validates my pain. It makes things real. It rationalises my devastation. I don’t want to forget a thing.
But there are things I am forgetting, things I wouid like to remember.
Above all else, I’d like to remember what it’s like to be happy. I’m not forgetting I was happy. I’m just forgetting what it’s like to live life with that as the default state. I don’t really enjoy anything at the moment. That’s not to say I haven’t had happy moments these last 9 months. There have been some good tines. But they’re all sown into a bedrock of sadness. Happiness is no longer the context of my life.
With Suse it was. With her, hard times were endured within the broader frame of gladness and contentment she brought me. That was love. Happiness could be taken for granted. Without her, things have flipped. Now, good times are endured within the frame of sadness and loss. I value those good times for the relief they bring. But now it is sadness which I take for granted. How radically life can be inverted in the matter of seconds.
But there are other things. I wish I could remember how to make people laugh. I wish I could remember wit. I wish I could remember how to emotionally regulate. I wish I could remember how to have fun. I wish I could remember how to be lively and spirited. I just wish I could remember the person she knew and loved, but for the life of me I can’t.
