One of the greatest challenges I face in my grief is self-loathing. Suse had the ability to do what I now find almost impossible: she was able to love me. I really don’t know how to do that. I liked who I was with her. I hate who I am without her. And no amount …
Today marks 500 days since Suse died. I suspect I’m the only one who would take note of that. I only know it because I have an app which counts the days. Why? I don’t know. I don’t know why the number of days matter. Maybe getting through each one is still my biggest goal. …
I sit here now, somewhat bemused, and still struggling to make sense of the fact that Susie is gone. Dead. This time last year she was alive and well, bursting with her characteristic enthusiasm, eagerly looking forward to crafting a bigger and better future, for our marriage, for our family, for our church. Oh, but …
One of the things I’ve found hardest to deal with in grief is the extreme sense of loneliness. Very often, the sense of isolation overwhelms me, and it is usually in these times when I find myself at my lowest ebb emotionally. Most of my tears now, even 11 months on, flow from the sickening …
Black holes are born from bright stars. When a star collapses, the singularity formed creates such a gravity that not even light can escape its pull. What sort of force would it take to overcome the gravity of my star collapsing? I am yet to experience that morning when I wake up without Suse’s absence …
As I look back on the last couple of weeks of writing, the question of why I write – why I want to write – presses in on me. Reflecting on this, I think there are a number of reasons. First, I write to remind myself of the love we shared. It both explains and …
“Soften into pain.” Soften into pain? I’m not sure I know what this means. Does it mean to imply I’ve not faced my pain? Because if it does, it’s wrong. I have, and I do. I face it every morning when I’m greeted by the hideous perfection of unruffled sheets…again. I face it every breakfast …
Kindness. What would kindness mean? What would kindness look like? Perhaps the question I need to start with is: what DOES kindness mean Because I knew kindness. And I saw kindness. I saw it the night Suse and I met. She talked to me. More than that, she listened to me. That was a kindness. …
“It’s 9 o’clock on a Saturday…” However you feel about the song, Billy Joel’s Piano Man portrays a sobering vignette of human life which is the reality for so many. The dingy, mid-evening setting provides a perfect metaphor for describing the unique emptiness of loneliness. The desire to “forget about life for a while” amplifies …
Today marks four months since Susie died. Four months. The monthly milestones don’t really mean that much in themselves – it is just another day after all – but they always seem to throw up a reason to reflect all the more. Today, I’ve been thinking a lot about the curiosity of time in grief. …