One-off thoughts, about a variety of things. This isn’t a blog. It’s more like a repository of randomness, that may evolve into something more coherent at some point!
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The cross: confrontation and comfort
“I’d reached a point in life”, the man shared, “where I no longer wanted it to continue.” He was not a religious man, but nor did he deny the existence of God. He said to me “That night, as I prepared to bring things to an end, I prayed for God to take my life.…
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If anything should happen
If anything should happen,I want you to know,I’m sorry for my failuresand for all the times I’ve flownoff into a blackened night or self-absorbed haranguefor making you feel little,for being half a manI’m sorry that my love for youcould not eclipse my grief,And that in your darkest hourI proved too often weak. But if anything…
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Loss and Self-Loathing in Grief
One of the greatest challenges I face in my grief is self-loathing. Suse had the ability to do what I now find almost impossible: she was able to love me. I really don’t know how to do that. I liked who I was with her. I hate who I am without her. And no amount…
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Day 500
Today marks 500 days since Suse died. I suspect I’m the only one who would take note of that. I only know it because I have an app which counts the days. Why? I don’t know. I don’t know why the number of days matter. Maybe getting through each one is still my biggest goal. …
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Approaching one year…
I sit here now, somewhat bemused, and still struggling to make sense of the fact that Susie is gone. Dead. This time last year she was alive and well, bursting with her characteristic enthusiasm, eagerly looking forward to crafting a bigger and better future, for our marriage, for our family, for our church. Oh, but…
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Loneliness
One of the things I’ve found hardest to deal with in grief is the extreme sense of loneliness. Very often, the sense of isolation overwhelms me, and it is usually in these times when I find myself at my lowest ebb emotionally. Most of my tears now, even 11 months on, flow from the sickening…