Dearest Suse,
Our world is entirely new, now. Well not entirely. It is and it isn’t.
In so many respects, there’s a harsh continuity between the world you left and the one I didn’t. Your dresses still hang in the cupboard. Your knitting basket still sits by the lounge. Your face wash is still in the shower. I’ve rearranged the sitting room a bit in order to create a make shift bedroom for your parents. They come down a lot to help with the kids. But apart from that things are very much the same, physically.
Which is harsh. Because it defies pretty much everything else about our world.
The walls have lost their colour. The mornings have lost their tune. Our house is full of stuff yet it is completely empty. We struggle to have fun. We struggle to create joy. We try. But we struggle. It’s generally overcast here. The sun breaks through the clouds occasionally, but that proves to be more of a tease than anything else.
It’s not all bad, though. Imagine this: a husband who gets up every morning and makes four lots of school lunches before the kids are awake; a husband who organises dinner, who cooks and cleans and tidies, and does the laundry (most of the time); a father who is more engaged with his children. That’s part of the landscape now. I’ve become a better man in a lot of ways, and I wish you were here to see it and experience it. I know you felt loved by me. But I’ve realised these last eight months I had so much more to give you. I loved you a lot. But how I wish I loved you more.
I’d show you all these things if you’d come home. I’d show you how I try to keep up with all the kids homework and assessments and excursions and activities. I’d show you how beautiful Annie looked at her school dance, and how blue her eyes look in her high school uniform. I’d show you how Oli is now taller than me. I’d show you how Sam’s writing has improved. I’d show you how Phoebe can prepare dinner for the family. She does pretty well for a 9 year old! When it comes down to it, I’d just show you how much we’ve missed you. Oh how I wish I could show you how much we miss you.
Come home, I’ll show you all these things.
SMxxx
